The Three Musketeers get the Transformers treatment (i.e they're the C-Story in their own movie)

                Oh come on people, we both know this film is a piece of shit. If this was even a passable bit of popcorn schlock we wouldn’t be watching it in the fucking fall. The Three Musketeers, stupidly, is the story of one little shit who has little to do with the Musketeers themselves. In 17th Century France the young and cocksure D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) travels to Paris to join the elite band of mercenaries known as the Musketeers only to find that the titular three have fallen from grace. What’s worse is that France all but under the rule of the sinister Cardinal Richeliue who plots to drive the country to war with England by convincing the young King Louis (Freddy Fox) of an affair between the young mini-Queen (Juno Temple) and the Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom). To save France D’Artagnan must embark on a swashbuckling adventure and force the Musketeers to become the heroes they once were. Also it involves motherfucking Steam punk Airships, sounds like a good movie to me!

So what went wrong?

Effectively the worst things that can go wrong with a movie, starting with leading man D’Artagnan.  Lerman masters the arrogant shit aspect of the character quite well but fails to imbue him with any semblance of vulnerability, making it actually very satisfying to watch the villains wipe the floor with him in the first act. The problem gets worse when it becomes apparent that his story is to overshadow the marginally more interesting musketeers in their own goddamn movie. This brings us to the second problem; improper use of resources.

 The core of the film is predominantly ignored for the overuse of its supporting elements. Milla Jovovitch is overused as action-heavy titiliation in the director’s never ending quest to make us drool over his ridiculously hot wife in slow motion. James Cordon is overused as the comic relief which is especially damning since the film already has that in spades. As the Musketeers Athos (Matthew MacFadyen), Aramis (Luke Evans) and Porthos (Ray Stevenson) share a strong, funny chemistry that is rarely seen but carries the film’s clumsier elements. Also saddled with the undignified comic relief role is Louis, a childish caricature of French Royalty which cripples much of the film as he becomes integral to the story. That’s right folks, the driving force behind this so-called ‘plot’ is a petulant, effeminate fop worried that his teenage Queen doesn’t want to hold hands with him.

Also it’s distractingly weird that Buckingham is implied to have some past liaison with the Queen when she looks friggin Twelve. I know it’s just because Juno Temple apparently had her pituitary gland removed but it still doesn’t help. And while I’m on the subject, man Bloom is surprisingly good as Buckingham. He walks that difficult balance between menacing and comical better that most villains and while it’s not enough to help the film is certainly shows he can do a lot when offered a role with a little colour in it (even if it is the colour purple).

 While there’s still much to be said of the clumsy, witless dialogue, the vacuous romance between D’Artagnan and his standard issue love interest, and seriously Anderson stop it with the slow motion, the real nail in the coffin is the plotting. Too much time is spent in the prologue, too little on the Musketeers and especially Louis if he’s intended to be so goddamn important. Much of the second act is a joyless guerilla siege with no payoff and, in the most wishful example of franchise baiting, the story is convoluted with a series of secondary villains. As a result it’s difficult to tell who the big bad is actually supposed to be, making the third act feel like a prelude to something bigger and ending on a hollow note.